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“So moms might not know it, but they are the bravest of the brave for taking this risk. against all odds, knowing that sickness, sin, failure and disaster lurk on the fringes of everyday, yet we choose to embrace life.”  (Surprised by Motherhood)

This quote sorta sums up both how I feel and want to feel all at once.  I want to be brave.

1 Peter 3:6 says …..do not fear anything that is frightening….

But since becoming a Mom I often find myself overcome with my fears for my growing family.  This has created a bit of a crisis of faith for me… forcing me to ask some hard questions about the strength, depth, purpose and the nature of my belief.

I thought the other day it’s strange that something that has helped me appreciate the simple wonder and beauty that life offers also has been the birth place for anxieties I never carried in the past.

I just feel so vulnerable.  I never knew I had so much to loose.  So much of me is wrapped up into my two little bundles.

Trusting for their care, well being and protection is stretching me.  I so want to guide them and guard them but I am constantly reminded there is so little about this world they interact with that I can control.  I feel my mortality in a forceful deep way.

I know my utter dependence on God’s grace for gifting me each day.

———–

Anxiety snuck up on me…  somewhere in between making plans, keeping busy and sleep depravation I realized fear had filled my life.  Rest eluded me and my fears filled my dreams.  Panic still sometimes overcomes me when I least expect it.

Once I could call my struggle by name I have felt some relief but the peace I seek is still a work in progress.

————

We went thru some things that awakened this fear in me.  Isaac’s birth was traumatic.  While they were pulling him out – I truly thought I died.  I came back to reality, confused and hysterical, only to be greeted by terrible unnatural pain.  I fell in love with my boy hard after this… but from this experience I learned for the first time, how fragile I am.

Nine months later bullets fly thru our home.  One only inches from my precious bundles sleepy head.

The night was quiet, even our dog who was in the backyard at the time was silent.  I was stoked to be going to bed early.  I could see our boy on monitor and was overcome with gratitude for our gift.  On a night like that, it was only grace that kept us all safe and there was nothing we could have done to stop those bullets from coming.

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Then we sold our house, moved in with family, found out we were expecting again, had boy #2 and moved again.  The hustle of things I think distracted me from what had been going on inside me.  Questions were growing, fear had creeped in and hormones weren’t helping.  Suddenly, sleep became hard, my thoughts were haunting and panic filled my bones.

————

I imagine whatever your story mental health in this season of life has to be hard to maintain.  There are so many factors against you.  No rest, constant change, crazy love mixed with strangely lonely moments, the divine, the mundane and on the list goes.

I’m not sure what the answer is to win or to come out successful.  I just know that it’s been a life changing kinda journey. If I could go back and talk to 24 or 23 year old pre-motherhood me, I probably wouldn’t recognize myself.  In someways I envy how carefree I was but mostly I am grateful for how my personhood has grown in depth.

I pray that as I keep facing my fears, I will become as 1 Peter says.  Brave.  That’s what I’m praying for.

Love,

Amanda

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