I have a good life. In fact I have an extravagant, comfortable, joy filled amazing life! My Facebook and Instagram photos don’t tell a lie… my kids are adorable and mostly fun to be around. My husband loves me well. My friends would kick your butt if you tried to mess with me and our family is the best support we could ask for. Compared to most humans who have walked this earth for most of history I’ve been blessed in ways my brain could never quite comprehend. I have a good life.
But I’ve realized that’s not enough.
Because I don’t last. My kids keep growing. The world around me keeps struggling. The seasons are constantly changing. I’ll never have had enough of this goodness to leave me feeling completed, whole- not wanting for anything. No matter how beautiful a day is, it always ends.
My beautiful kids fill my heart with so much love and joy but from the time I get them they are on a mission I cannot stop: to grow. I often tease my oldest. I ask him to stop growing up so fast.. he replies with a enthusiastic, “No Mom, I have to!” and he is right. He has to and I want Him to but when the sweetness of now is all I focus on that fact can scare me half to death.
That’s my reality because my life is filled with morning hugs, chunky baby hands, dragon flying boys and lots of kid laughter. I’m so grateful for it all and for me it’s the thing that can feel so good it’s hard to imagine a life beyond this. It’s easy to get lost in it all. To want to soak it up and pretend this is it. But it’s not. This is just my thing. My thing that can seem so good that it makes you want to forget about the big questions, the big picture that can distract you from the meaning of it all. I imagine this could look different for others- it could be the money, the marriage, the status, the trip, the degree, the drug. Most of us- at least in this country- have our things.
Parenthood is a gift. I truly feel like each day I have as a mother is a gift I hope to use well but there is a temptation to take that gift and make it the thing. Sometimes it’s hardest to recognize when this happens when it’s such a good thing. It’s even a necessary thing. Nonetheless, it’s not the thing.
The only thing we get to hold onto when we die or maybe just when we grow old or the goodness passes and the hard stuff comes because it comes… is what we believe about why we are here and what happens next.
I’m in a sweet moment in my life. It’s rich. Some days the love is so thick in my heart it almost hurts. But as I’ve shared, I’ve been afraid, afraid because I can’t guarantee this goodness will keep. Even more than that I know things will change in time because life is always pushing ahead and I can’t stop it. God has called me to ask Him to help me lay down my thing and asked me if I really believe. This Easter the thought that keeps running through my head is, Do I really believe?
Given my upbringing and lifestyle you’d think the answer would be an automatic “yes” but belief is more tricky than attending church regularly, doing christian things, etc. It’s something only you can settle. It can’t be faked. Something in your soul has to surrender to the truth for every season life brings. That’s tough my friends.
My prayer for most of my adult life has been, I believe, Jesus help my unbelief and this year I pray it with new passion. I see how my good life is not enough… it will let me down if it is all I have. There must be something more. So this Easter I surrender, anew. I ask Jesus to be real in every part of my life. I ask Him to carry the burdens I feel for my children and all those I love around me. I ask Him to be the meaning in each good day I get. I ask His promise of eternity to fill each season of my life with hope and purpose. I ask Him to share in this good life He has blessed me with and help me see how I can share more of this sweet goodness with our broken world. I pray you would find a way to do this too.