Growing up is hard to do.
That’s what they say right? They must have meant watching kids grow is hard to do. Watching your kids grow forces us to rip the emotional bandaid off over and over. Push them kids ahead when everything in you wants to hold them tight. You gotta embrace the next stage even when it feels like you are still figuring out the last one. It’s a fast and furious ride, disorienting and intense.
I’ve come to realize that in this life there are moments that define us in powerful ways. These moments are the ones you keep looking back at. They make you feel like time has flown. Somehow everything is connected to that point. Giving birth is one of those moments. It’s impossible to describe it fully but I know that for my whole life I will be looking back to the moment I first became a Momma, wondering how time sped so fast ahead from then.
I think God gave me a glimpse into that knowledge in the first seconds of Isaac’s life. I remember one thought piercing through the chaos and physical pain of the his first moments of life, it was- hold tight to this moment, breathe it all in, life is gonna speed ahead from here. I felt the weight of that space, as I watched his lungs fill with air and heard his first loud red cries emerge with vigor. Here we are five years and some change from that day. Time seems to have flown. Kindergarten is here. Gotta pull off that Momma bandaid again and embrace the next step, even though part of me still keeps wondering what happened to my baby, wasn’t he was just here yesterday?
I would be lying if I said I hadn’t cried over the passage of time and the changing of seasons. I thought that feeling would go away. That at some point seeing life grow into it’s own skin would feel easy. Some days it does. Some days I want nothing more for my big boy to take care of himself. Most days I’m so proud of who he’s becoming that I can’t feel sad about who he’s not anymore. On occasion things get quiet and another first happens, one that in the moment feels so normal but not long ago felt so distant you couldn’t even imagine it. Like the first day your kid doesn’t need a pull up or the first night they sleep in a big bed. It’s in those spaces you are forced to grieve before you can press forward.
The past few weeks I’ve had to grieve a little so I could move ahead with joy. I have to accept a new stage is on it’s way. I’m not just a Mom to preschoolers any longer.
In my heart I’m so excited! I’m also so thankful. They past five years have both been rich and joy filled. They have challenged me in a million ways. At times weeks have felt endless. On many occasions my sense of failure felt monumental. On the other hand, the years have seemed to zoom by and my heart has been filled with so many tiny treasured moments that I wouldn’t give up for the world.
So here’s to letting go of the past. Locking away in my heart all those sweet preschool moments with my biggest boy filled with big wet kisses, chubby hand holding and clumsy toddler limbs. Counting these sweet days as gifts. As moments I will never regret taking the time to share and being as present as possible in. Now I embrace what comes next, as practice for all the times I will have to do this again and again. I look forward to watching new skills bloom, new friends come, lots of lessons learned and hopefully still plenty of big boy hugs. Kindergarten here we come!