Warning, this is just going to a quick word vomit because time is in short supply and my brain is being pulled to its edges.  I wanted though to try to take a moment to reflect on and sort out some of the emotions the past few days have brought into our lives.

Wednesday we got a e-mail about and after a few up’s and downs the day ended with new little one in our home.  She is likely a temporary addition but she’s changed our lives already in 2 days.

It only took reading the words about her on a screen to know that we all were already emotionally invested in this tiny person.  My son said it best… he said when we talked about taking in a baby/child I was like cool… but now that it’s here I’m like OH MY this is cool.  Our kids are all in… and just full of questions.

I’m so impressed with their unconditional willingness to love.  They have been amazing helpers and even though she probably won’t stay they are loving everyday we get with her.

It’s only taken 2 days for me to learn 2 things about me in this role as Foster Mom… I’m unable to not get emotionally invested but that’s not nearly as scary as I thought. Now that I know her what I want is the best outcome… and while we hope one day that best outcome is adoption… that’s not going to be the best outcome in many cases.  I’m okay with rooting with her parents, praying for them, and sincerely hoping she will return home soon.

Also stepping into this role is stepping into someone else’s sadness.  Feeling heartbreak for someone else but not being able to let them know you are hurting for them.  When we went through the strange exchange of picking up, my eyes were filled with tears thinking about the parents.  I knew this was their worst case scenario realized and in my heart I am rooting for them.

Adding a 4th kid to the mix is hard.  Thankfully this one is a really easy one… and sleeps which is weird after having 3 kids that still like to get us up in the night… It’s strange because it’s not the same as having a baby but in other ways it is.  Our routine is all out of whack.  My kids are helping but all emotional because their roles in our family have been disrupted (particularly Ruthie).  Even though this change is temporary the disruption, adjustment, and joy feels a lot like when we brought home babies ourselves.

I am so aware that this is someone else’s kiddo.  There is a different kind of weight that comes with being entrusted with caring for someone else’s most precious possession.

I’m not new mom tired… but we I’m feeling a different kind of tired… Maybe I can’t keep up with everything like I was tired… and emotionally tired because there are a lot of unknowns…

My other takeaway is other people are wonderful.  People pray, encourage, give, donate, and bring you food with generosity. Thank you.

These few days have been one of the most spiritually stretching days of my life.  Deciding to expand the definition of what our family is, loving and giving in a new way, praying bigger prayers over bigger issues that I know little about but now am somehow connected to.  Believing God has a plan and a purpose for this one and hoping our interaction is a blessing, no matter how brief.  Praying over a family I don’t yet know.  Trusting God with my kids as things are a mess.  Praying my marriage can handle this stress.  Praying I can stop eating chocolate and start eating lunch again.  I don’t know just praying about a lot of stuff I wouldn’t have before.

My last one is that this is a worthwhile job.  I think along with Mom this may end up being the role I am most proud of.  I honestly already don’t like the ways it sorta makes us stand out when we enter the world… but I feel privileged to do what we are doing.

Anyways, there goes my thrown together reflections.

Last thought, they really need to add a Starbuck stipend to this gig. Okay, I’m done.

Thanks for all your love and prayers.

Amanda

 

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